Tangled Up In Lace

A BIG FAT REQUEST FOR LOVE, SUPPORT AND DONATIONS

2011-10-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

A BIG FAT REQUEST FOR LOVE, SUPPORT AND DONATIONS

We all need help sometimes right? Well, I’m in my moment of need.

After a lot of soul searching I have decided to move away from San Diego. I’ve given my notice and my apartment has been rented upon my departure. My job of 7 years is up to their old tricks of not paying me on time and bouncing my paychecks. Clearly there’s no turning back now. The ball is in motion, and the message is clear: I must be courageous, I must move forward, I must be the change I want to see in the world.

Here’s the thing: I have SO MANY really exciting projects for all of you in the making! I’m about to go to a beautiful place to be with people that love and support me. Also there waiting for me is the time, space and energy needed to begin to make all of my creative dreams a reality that I can share with everyone. The time I’ve spent in loathsome San Diego, feeling lost and incomplete, has allowed me time in my head (and on the internet) to hash out what we need and how I can give that to you. I’m ready to involve myself in the kind of Radical Self Love that I want to see happening. I’m ready to create spaces for all voices and experiences to heal and shake things up. I can’t imagine better timing for a big change in all of our lives.

Like I said before, I really wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need to. I am hopeful that the Universe will give back to me what I’m putting into it. I know that I’m going where I need to be right now. I’m ready to be wrapped up in love and inspiration and I’m happy you all get to be there with me while it happens!

If you can, I just need a little help getting there

Forever Fat and In Love With You,

Your Fat Dear Abby Mama Bear Miss Piggy Bitch

Please help spread the word!

xoxoxoxox

Go HERE to donate <3

No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible.

George Chakiris

Fat Bottomed Girls

2011-03-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

So many goosebumps. So much love for Kim.

"SKINS" Open Mic: Kim Selling from Champ Ensminger on Vimeo.

Goldfish Times

2011-03-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

What happens when you don't ever feel home? What if you always feel your roots floating around you, never really catching on anything, never finding their way into the soil?

Maybe you'll tell me I'm at that age where you go to your childhood home and realize its not yours anymore and that I'm in the time of my life where I must create my own home.

But what if you never even felt home in your childhood home? What if you live so far into your thoughts that your idea of home is so fantastical you don't even know where to begin in creating something like it in real life?

What about that?

I mean as a child I was surrounded by peers who knew exactly what their future should look like all the way down to the comforter on their marriage bed. I had maybe 40 different scenarios with 40 different people in 40 different locations. I looked different in every possibility but interestingly enough was always a different version of fat :) My future dream sequences ranged from the strikingly plain to the outlandish.

They still do.

I want to live in the English countryside making my own bread and snuggling up to my sheepherding lover. I want be a bellydancing Flower Child who smells like patchoulli and curry. Maybe a life in the Redwoods listening to the majesty of the forrest. A travel photographer. A mermaid drag queen. A filthy stinking rich debutante. Just about anything but a gal who works a 9-5 to barely scrape by.

One thing that always stood out was the lack of the career woman who carefully balances family, work and tupperware parties fantasy. I've never been interested in that lifestyle. I've never been interested in the idea of climbing the corporate ladder. Don't get me wrong I'd love to be the boss of someone but I can't imagine being interested in anything long enough to make it my entire life. I don't like the way I look in suits and I don't care for company picnics.

The complexity of my spirit draws folks in but my ever changing moods keeps them at arm's length. It feels selfish to want someone to run by my side as I chase my flavor of the month....but that's exactly what I want.

…I feel deflated. The idea of going into my “regular” job tomorrow makes me feel like a goldfish in a tied up plastic bag. I’m not dying, I can swim and breathe fine, but its not where I should be and I don’t know where I’m going.

Its time for me to leave and start a new story.

(I don't pay this place enough attention, if you're curious as to where I've run off to check my Tumblr )

The Gold & The Beautiful: A Fatshion Clothing Swap

2011-01-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

I'm hosting an event Chicago!!!

Here’s the bottom line: this is going to be the BEST FUCKING TIME your fat ass has ever had or you get your money back

THAT IS THE JESSICA GUARANTEE

I’ve been praying to Cher, Diana Ross, Dame Edna, and Prince to guide my spirit through this event so that I may really rock your goddamn world at this thing.

I’ll be fully charged by glitter and champagne so come get on my level

I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT TO MEET YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!

big fat titty hugs for EVERYONE

Put on your sassiest gold ensemble, rat your hair up to the heavens and get down with other fancy broads in your area!

Come get your face done up by the stunning make up artist, Laura Lynch (@fifthpoc...ket on Twitter)

Take a moment to smize and strike a pose for the beautiful, Lucy Hewett (@lucyhewett) our event photographer

We'll have food, drinks, dancing and general mayhem with the Fat Glitterrati

Raffle prizes provided by We Love Colors, Cupcake & Cuddlebunny, Early2Bed and others

Please do not bring accessories or other non-clothing items.

Event will be held at the Kathryn Kerrigan Shoe Boutique, a shoe store that carries sizes up to 11 to help you finish off your new to you outfits!

Staff will be on hand to help with alterations if needed and leftover clothes will be donated to the Brown Elephant

For more information, please visit thegoldandthebeautiful.tumblr.com.

Follow us on Twitter @yrweightingold

E-mail us at yrweightingold@gmail.com

fat body (in)visible

2010-12-15T18:00:00.000-08:00

Hellloooo my beautiful babies!!!

I know I've been horrible neglectful of you and I'm still sorry but not enough to really do much about it quite yet.

I've been a busy girl! I was recently in a documentary produced by Margitte Kristjansson and a lot of you new followers are probably here because you've already seen it, BUT in the off chance you haven't, here it is!!!

fat body (in)visible from Margitte Kristjansson on Vimeo.

I have non fat related topics to discuss soon because you know I'm sure you're all fatted out for a bit ;)

Thank you for giving a shit about the things I have to say :)

The Fattest Trip of My Life

2010-11-22T19:59:00.000-08:00

Margitte and I had been talking about this for what felt like an ETERNITY.

THE FATTEST TRIP EVER

Well I mean, the fattest trip so far :)

We only hope they get fatter and more frequent of course.

And frankly when I started planning the Fattest Trip Ever, I had the intention of making it only moderately fat. It only started with the three simple facts: Re/Dress was putting on an Indie Fashion Show with one of the designers being Rachel from Cupcake and Cuddlebunny, I had some credit with Jet Blue and that my childhood best friend lives in Queens and would put me up in her darling apartment while I was there. That's it.

That in itself was HUGE for me considering that I'd FINALLY shop at Re/Dress, give Rachel the biggest hugs ever and that I could count on Christina and Nicolette attending the event as well.

My fat little heart was a flutter!

Then I found out Marianne Kirby would also be attending.

Then I squeeled and possibly peed a little.

Fast foward two days and my dear Margitte is going, we're posing for Adipositivity and doing a podcast interview for Oxford on beauty and its relation to our bodies.

SO FAT I COULD HARDLY STAND IT <3

Booking my flight would then send me into about a 2 month long squeal fest. I couldn't fucking stop talking about it. My mother put an involuntary moratorium on my New York Fat Trip talk because she said she was just putting the phone on the counter while I rambled anyways. (RUDE)

Margitte and I tried several times to solidify plans for this trip. Wheres and Whats had to be ironed out for each day of the trip but we were just too wrapped up in the whimsy of it all. Eventually the plan ended up being what outfits we would wear and how we would handle ourselves when face to face with all our internet best friends.

I won't go on and on about the magic of the East Coast. Its been done. I will say that it that the usual euphoria I feel when in New York was completely overshadowed when I first stepped into Re/Dress.

Re/Dress is like....Disneyland, the Chocolate Factory and Narnia's sexier, more glamorous and self accepting love child. Like if I could only say one thing about the shop, that would be it.

Luckily this is my damn blog and I can say whatever the hell I want. Re/Dress is everything I thought it would be and so much more...so much more. I ran in the first time, without really taking it all in because I saw Taueret (AfroTitty, as she's more famously known) in the corner of my eye and couldn't waste one more second of my life not being next to her. I'd hate to objectify her body because her spirit is just the most warm and beautiful thing I've been next to but also there's a very good reason she has Titty in her name. Those gazongas are magnificent. I need to say that here publicly.

Of course every beautiful baby that works at Re/Dress made my heart aflutter. I developed a crush on every last one of them...TRUST. If any of you are reading this and need a place to stay in San Diego ever, I have a really big bed. JUST SAYIN

Everywhere you turn there's racks and racks of plus size pieces that will just make your nipples so hard. I'm incredibly picky when it comes to clothes and I can't remember one single thing in the store that I wouldn't love to see on my body or someone elses. Everything's clearly marked and organized, but I wouldn't have known that the first day because I ran around that place like the Tazmanian Devil in sequins. There was just too much to see, too many people to fawn over and meet officially and of course a million things for me to try on and buy.

While I was trying on this powder blue vintage peignor (YES I bought it are you kidding me?!?!) Rachel Kacenjar of Cupcake & Cuddlebunny showed up with her partner and I just about DIED. (Note to the reader: I'll probably use that hyperbole a few more times) Her new line Sweet tooth is just BEYOND. Such a sweet mix of tough and femme. Frivilous detail: her voice made my ice cold heart melt

Rachel, Tangerine Jones (LOVE her) and yours truly

When I woke up the next morning the first thought to cross my sleeping mind, "You brave little bunny, you're about to be naked as a jay bird in front of someone you're not going to sleep with and it will be documented on the internet."

Even my inner dialogue is longwinded.

If you ever want to feel really close to your friend and maybe you need something to always remind yourself of what a true gem that friend has been to you, take naked photos with them. I mean it worked for me :)

I've been photographed a bunch, but never have I felt such a warm and loving energy like the energy that radiated from Margitte and Substantia Jones . I couldn't believe hours had passed and I'm so lucky to have the photographs preserving that moment forever. Substantia's like the aunt you've always wanted, but better. I feel like I could gush and gush forever but you get the gist, it was perfect and one of the greatest moments of my life and that's the truth. If you're fat and ever in New York, do yourself a favour and contact her. While struggling to pull this post together I found out I was chosen as the cover model for the 2011 Adipositivity calendar!!!! I'm also the face of April and Margitte's the um...behind of September :) Go purchase your own copy!!!

Posting the picture to Tumblr and FREAKING THE FUCK OUT

I promised myself I would never speak of what happened between the shoot and the fashion show but I feel morally compelled to hold Margitte accountable for her actions. She knowingly threw me into the clutches of what is possibly the WORST diner experience of my life. My food smelled like a fart and tasted worse. Vegas Diner in Dyker Heights, I WILL be seeing you on Yelp. Bastards

Anywaaaays because I promised to always be 1,000% honest with you all I have to admit I had a real spaz attack getting ready for the fashion event. Here's the thing. I know I'm gorgeous. Like, DUH. What I was a little aprehensive about was the harsh reality that I'm not high fashion and coincidentally I'm also a poor planner. I had packed a small bag out of my luggage to take with me to Brooklyn because I was staying in Queens and I'm lazy. I forgot way too many things and had to swipe a dress from Margitte to wear to the event. The dress was BEAUTIFUL. I looked even better than that. Before any of that could happen though I freaked out for about an hour while Margitte cooed at me and tried to quiet me down.

All the stress went away when I opened the door to the gallery and saw Marriane Kirby. I ran to her like a big goober because well, that's what I am. She's beautiful and we're the best of friends. BASICALLY. I was short of breath, I couldn't breathe and everyone was so beautiful I just COULDN'T STAND IT. Christina is even more gorgeous in person. Yeah, that's a thing. Look I have proof.

Re/Dress put on a fantastic show, I thought my heart would stop from all the sexy and fierce. In fact it almost did. I literally spent the whole time breaking my neck trying to see everyone's outfit. FIERCE FIERCE FIERCE

Trip of a lifetime.

I honestly don't know what else to say. If there weren't pictures of the trip I would think it was a dream

Bloggers Do Giveaways Duh

2010-10-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

Yup that's me, semi-nude on the interwebz.

Blogspot don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I'm MIGHT be leaving you for Tumblr. Its like....I know I should probably want/need a more legitimate space for my thoughts but lately...I just haven't been interested in you the way I once was....its you not me, I mean its ME not you.

Anyways I posted this picture on Tumblr along with a giveaway because I've met SO MANY fabulous and inspiring folks over there and I want to reward you all for taking time out of your lives to find out what I think about pubic hair. It means more to me than you will ever know.

I recently purchased this zine by a new dear friend and its just BEYOND.

I want to share this body positive thing of beauty with you.

SO for my birthday I'm giving 5 copies of this zine away along with something in there from me <3

If you're at all interested in this, leave a comment below and be creative. I'll put all the entries in hat and pick 5 at random.

Enter by Thursday the 4th Sugarplums!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!! xoxoxoxo

I Choose To Survive

2010-10-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here typing away with a full beautiful belly of grilled cheese and tomato bisque, a little high and a little chilly. Delicious food, all of you beauties at my fingertips, happy in my perfect little apartment....I can't help but tear up. This is EXACTLY how I pictured my future fantasy life when I was a child. I would spend all my time closed up in my room watching my Dream Self wearing decadent clothes, huddled over my writing, drinking copious amounts of strong coffee and just feeling overwhelmed and inspired by all my FREEDOM. I just had to make it there.

Because there comes a point in most every child's life where they become suffocatingly aware of their binds. When they realize that life isn't fair, that we're raised to compete with our peers in such an ugly way.....and especially heartbreaking when we realize that our parents and elders aren't going to protect us the way we so desperately need them to. You know your pain, you know all the things you're not allowed to do and yet you're still struggling to figure out what's going to make you happy, who you really are and how you're just going to make it there.

For a child under restraints of any kind, survival is the main obsession. By restraints I mean being queer, fat, disabled, a person of color, poor, etc. As a fat queer child, I could keep my sexual identity hidden a helluva lot easier than my body. As a femme queer woman I'm free to walk among straight women unnoticed by the untrained eye...unharmed. I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge this privilege every day of my life as a child and still as an adult. I always felt like I had enough on my plate with my body shame and OCDs/mental health that I just couldn't address my sexuality as well. That would take the backburner for a while. I mean I tried to kill myself at least once a week from 11 years old until I was maybe 18. In and out of the hospital I would meet peers who didn't belong in the bodies they were given, who didn't feel like they could love the people they wanted to love and were also fat and I just....I just couldn't imagine having to deal with any MORE than I already felt weighed down by.  Looking back I'm not proud of keeping that hidden for so long, but I do understand it.

I've spent these last 3ish weeks feeling a strange mix of petrifying sadness and invigorating joy. The recent spur of publicized teen gay suicides rip my heart out and stomp it to death every.single.time. Teen suicide isn't new.  Gay teen suicide isn't new. This string of suicides on the news is not because gay teens have just NOW decided that this world isn't kind to children. We're hearing about it more and I think that's so necessary. Parents need to wake up to their detachtment to their children's experiences. TEENAGERS needs to wake up to the power of their words and their hate.  People who aren't parents and are no longer children need to accept that we're just as responsible for these deaths as anyone. We all contribute to the state of the world. We all continue to support homophobes by either laziness or apathy. We need to do MORE.

I keep watching these videos from the It Gets Better Project and just sob uncontrollably for young me, for those young now, those who needed this project when they were young and didn't make it to watch them like I did. I cry because I'm so RELIEVED I made it to the place I'm in now and I cry for all the wasted time I accumulated wishing, plotting and fantasizing about my death.   Yes my gut reaction to remembering these times is to say I wish it all had never happened, but in a weird way I'm appreciative that it did. I survived and for that I am so so grateful because I can stand here today and tell you what's it like to really live and relish in the freedom.

I can access those feelings of despair and isolation I felt as a child with ease. You will never forget something so vivid. As if I were a ghost I can go back and watch my teen self writing out my goodbye letter through sobs so hard I was dry heaving. I can feel my nervousness about whether or not I'd die fast and painless or slow or maybe not at all....the terrifying idea that I might not actually die but end up braindead or slightly wounded. The overwhelming need to leave this hurtful world but the guilt of abandoning my family and friends. I see all too clearly the sinking feeling of waking up in the hospital alive to face another day with my tormentors and a world that did not accept me. I still feel that girl close to me, I remember her every thought.

I keep her close so that I may use her now to stay alive.

The pain is what moves me to continue living the way I do now. The torment I lived and the abuse I've received inspires me to be kinder and inspire others to be kinder. Living has been my greatest revenge on those pricks who forced their ugliness on me. I see now all the beauty in the world I was so ready to surrender. The best part is that with each passing day my gratitude for life doesn't ever become less novel. Loving your body and your genuine identity is just as exciting and fufilling as it was in the beginning. Survival rewards me every single day.

I never pictured I'd be as grand as I am now. I never would have imagined that strangers around the world would know who I was and that I would one day stop fighting with my body and genuinely LOVE everything about it. I think about the things I would say to young me and honestly she's never believe it could get THIS good.

But it has <3

Please make the brave step towards survival and if you need help, REACH OUT.

I'm always here for you, for anyone...truly.

Also here's a list of resources:

The Trevor Project

The suicide prevention hotline for LGBTQ youth is 886-488-7386

Hey Fat Chick! (an inspirational Tumblr run by an equally inspirational woman Frances Locke who also blogs at Corpulent )

Lesley's video for It Gets Better will move you to tears and inspire the living crud out of you

Also I started a Fat Acceptance Group Chat that I promise to pay attention to over here but luckily there are plenty of AMAZING people over there who are giving it the nurturing it needs without me ;)

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Post by Margitte Kristjansson: on the fringe: fat countercultures & a BBW club

2010-09-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Hello my beautiful babies!! So as you know I've been up down and everywhere in between in how I'm feeling about my experiences with my local "BBW Community" and have spent quite a bit of time talking to you all about it. This has been incredibly upsetting for me and I appreciate all of your patience while I work through it.

Margitte posted over at her corner of the internet about this and I would love for you all to take a visit and read it :)

on the fringe: fat countercultures & a BBW club

XOXOXOXO

After All That, I Went To a BBW Club

2010-09-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

“Just let me go, we have to be able to criticize what we love, to say what we have to say 'cause if you're not trying to make something better, then as far as I can tell, you are just in the way.” - Ani Difranco

Lately I've been making new friends just as much as I've been making some um...non friends :) Trust when I say that I knew very well I would rub some people the wrong way with my last post, but perhaps it was naive of me to think that they would read my uncertainty and request for a dialogue as it was intended. I tried to think of it how I would take it if I were in their mocassins. Newflash, not everyone's laughing off criticism the way I am :)

I write about MY experiences because that's the only thing I have enough knowledge about Everyone. I pride myself in being totally and utterly genuine with you all and my reality is just that, mine. So if anyone felt like the experiences I documented previously weren't true in their eyes please understand that you're more than welcome to blog about it yourself and tell me all about your upset.

Which one of you did :) Last night at this beautiful BBW club I went to dressed as a fairytale character and less of a schoolgirl, even though Naughty Schoolgirl was the damn theme. I told this person I wouldn't name them or quote them...like damn, I don't know what those rules are on blogging and I don't want people to be afraid to approach me in the off chance I care enough about what they have to say to type it up, but like, I stand by what I said. I won't quote you or name you, but I will say I wish you really read what I was saying and tried to understand where my heart was before you made me your villian. I GET WHY YOU DID THOUGH and like, I'm mad sorry I hurt so many people's feelings with my questions and opinions.

Because let's talk about my reality for a bit. I said in the last post that I saw no need for a BBW Club because I didn't want to isolate myself in any false reality; initially that's how I saw these things. I was wrong you guys, real wrong. First of all, I do isolate myself from something that's very dear to me....other fat people! I have one fat friend in town, my dear Margitte, and she's from the same school of thought and there's little in the ways of fat that we don't totally agree on. Actually I can't think of anything we disagree on, but like for the sake of argument and not lying to you guys, whatever. Anyways I have my online Fat Acceptance Army and surrounding yourself with people who only agree with you is LOVELY but not a real opportunity for me to grow. I think the biggest reason I don't have more fat friends is that fat is such a political thing for me and some fat broads just want to be fat and not listen to me deconstront mainstream media every second of the day! Luckily Margitte's totes into that <3

So yesterday morning I woke up to an email and comment from Kathy, the operator of Club Catalina. I would be lying if I didn't almost shit myself when I saw her email first because I know what I fucking said in my last post and Kathy was SO polite and inviting when I met her at the event I was recounting. But you know what?? Kathy was still insanely warm and inviting even after reading what I said and made it clear she didn't totally agree with everything I said but still wanted to give me an opportunity to experience Club Catalina for myself.

I'm eternally grateful for her openness to continuing a dialogue with me and approach everything I said from a loving place. Thank you Kathy for letting me learn from you, its mad appreciated. Explaining the culture to Margitte and I and allowing us to come into that space was invaluable to me. I so respect her healthy attitude towards BBW culture, fat and a respectful discussion <3

Even better, she puts on a fabulous event!

Club Catalina? GORGEOUS! Margitte put it perfectly when she commented right through the door how just breathtaking it was for us to see all these fat bodies in a public place feeling beautiful and confident. Its like nothing I've ever seen honestly. I didn't feel degraded or made a mockery of; I just felt a sense of easiness I can't really explain. The body diversity made my little black heart so full of love. There were literally all sizes from thin to fat in all shapes and styles. I spent the first 15 minutes there just sort of in a shellshock, dealing with all the confidence and just not giving a fuckness that everyone had

*not giving a fuckness? Yeah I made that up just now feel free to like, spread that all over town

Its, from what I could tell, a pretty hetero situation so just understand why I comment on the man/woman situation and nothing else :)

The men, fat admirers if you will, were incredibly respectful and really doing just that, admiring. Word to the wise though, when you make your way out to Club Catalina, wear shoes you can dance in because these men don't play around on the dancefloor. I'm just going to get real, I pride myself in being quite a lady but I was having a hard time keeping up with these Romeos for sure.

All in all, I had a beautiful time and learned SO MUCH. I'll without a doubt be back and I really hope my beautiful fatties reading this take the time to find a BBW club near them and find out for themselves!! xoxo

Feeders, Gainers, BBW Community & Their Place in FA

2010-08-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

I'd hate to have to give any kind of warning or apology up front because seriously this is a blog of my thoughts and I own those thoughts for better and for worse...but I have a lot of anxiety about this post. I want nothing less than to alienate a part of what I deem to be my community. I am in no way an expert on Fat Acceptance but its a cause that's of obvious importance to my life.

I come to you to open up a dialogue and ideally to make me aware of things I may be missing.

Also if you're visiting this blog because I gave you a card over the weekend, specifically at an event, I don't know that you want to read this or ever see me again. SAWRYYYY because you women were really inviting and polite to me even though I was constantly attacking your beliefs. Honestly I feel dickish right now, but I'm really upset by the experience but I hope you won't stone me the next time we cross paths.

Also if you've been reading for a while, this is fucking War and Peace compared to the usual post. I wrote SO MUCH.

Let's just get to it shall we??

There's a plus sized thrift store in San Diego, called Great Curves. I do feel its necessary to say that I frequent it as much as my pocketbook allows and I never leave emptyhanded. Its a hidden gem. The last time I was there a friendly staff member approached me to let me know about an event they were having the next weekend where a plus size pinup photographer would be present as well as information on a "BBW Bash". The staff member was emphatic on the photographer being interested in women who had "my look", that she had modelled for the photographer (not specifying that it was a website) and that she had a "really good time with all the girls". I was shopping with a dear friend, Margitte,who I met through Fatshionista's Livejournal community. She also happens to be doing her grad work in Fat Studies right now and you most likely know her by riotsnotdiets . We both were super polite and enthusiastic because well that's sweet to be invited to things and be told you're pretty enough to model, let's get real. The second she uttered the phrase BBW though, both Margitte and I inhaled sharply.

I HATE that phrase. HATE IT.

I would never hate being called a beautiful woman. I LIVE for it in fact :) Big and beautiful? Okay I mean, thanks....but like why? Why can't I just be a beautiful person? BBW??? That phrase in particular is just GROSS to me....like invokes a physical reaction within me when I hear it. I think its marginalizing and makes a fetish out of my body, leaving me without a spirit or any kind of personality because you're just concerned with my belly and big arms anyways. I also think what's intended as a compliment has a really negative connotation most of the time.

BUT Margitte and I were genuinely excited about a local event that we predetermined to be a fat accepting, body positive chance for us to meet people. I also saw it as another chance for me to shop :)

So I picked up the impeccably dressed Margitte in my poorly ventilated lemon of a car, we had a proper brunch and then headed to the event. We were hopeful and had a fire in our spirit.

Upon entering the store, we were met with a woman who had set up a table to advertise a BBW night club in town that's apparently existed for years. I had literally just told a girl I recently met that there were no BBW clubs in San Diego. You know why? Well first reason is that I have a lovely habit of just assuming I know everything. Second is that I have never looked up local BBW dance clubs because they're of little to no interest to me. When I think of specialty dance clubs, I think of my favorite 80s music gay club because there's very little in my life that I do that I consider my fat before I do them. Initially I felt really opposed and weird about fat dance clubs. I don't like marginalizing myself when there are others out there already trying to do it for me against my will. I don't want to Google places that go out of there way to give me a night for my kind...I don't like that. I don't want to segregate myself. That's a little hypocritical of me though. I have hosted a couple fat meetups and beach days. Soooo that's a double standard.  At this point I really feel like the wording is again what's upsetting me. Have a dance club, for every body and advertise your size accepting, body positive atmosphere. That would make me elated. I would love a place for people to dance of all sizes and shapes to feel beautiful.

Let me just say I see and understand the need for specialized events and outings. I guess I just believe that if we keep in this frame of mind we'll never be able to exist in society as we are without feeling like we need to hurry back to this artificial life we've made for ourselves. That might be totally insensitive and I'd hope you'd tell me so.

Eventually we bumped into the photographer we were invited to meet in the first place. First words out of her mouth when I gave her my card were, "How long have you been in the community?"

I guess it was the delivery and vague meaning that confused me so much. I, of course, thought she meant how long I had been involved with Fat Acceptance and told her a few years maybe more.

Sidenote: Here at this event FA meant Fat Admirer not Fat Acceptance which I also had qualms with.

She met me with a blank stare.

I then awkwardly stumbled around about how I'd been fat my whole life so I've never been out of the community. She seemed equally confused about that as well.

So then she asked me about my blog. I told her a multitude of things but when I said body positivity for all sizes she seemed to sort of raise her eyebrows. Of course I really wowed them when I mentioned pubes :)

Anyways she started to sell her website to me, saying that there wasn't anything out there that she wanted to see so she had to do it herself. She did pinup photography for the bigger gal and I could totally model and get a percentage of the profits; clearly meaning porn. Which is FINE with me as we should all know at this point in our relationship. She wanted to say more but insisted I should just check out the site for myself and contact her if I was interested. JUST SAY PORN. So I asked her if it was porn. She insisted some girls take their tops off but that's only if you want to blah blah blah. I mean whatever your definition of tasteful is, nudity for sale is porn and that's just the end of that discussion. Erotic art or tasteful nudes...tomato tomahto if you ask me and the difference between art and porn is the way you get paid. So then after all that awkwardness about her not wanting to call a porn site a porn site, she told me there were sex toys in the back for sale.

Yeah, I KNOW.

BUT you know I'm always interested in shit like that so Margitte and I made a beeline for the dildos like any respectable girl would.

There was a representative for what actually turned out to be "romance enhancers" not sex toys. BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE. Romance enhancers are those scented body lotion, powder, shit to make your pussy not really smell like a pussy at all stuffs. Its feathers and candles and a suction cupped ledge for your shower to get busy while you wash that sticky scented lotion off your body. FIRST OF ALL if you rent like I do there's no way you're fucking in the shower gracefully, step ledge or not, because there's no space in there for someone else and anyways that's how you get a UTI folks. ANYWAYS, the representative overheard Margitte and I bitching about how this obviously was not going to be our cup of tea and picking apart a flyer for the photographer that mentioned "no skinny jeans" and she reprimanded us for saying fat.

"Voluptuous"

"No its just fat...no euphemisms...fat's just a descriptor word..like tall."

"Curvy's better"

"Fat's what it is though. I'm not curvy...I'm fat. There's no word like that for thin...you're just thin"

Blank Stare

Margitte and I later discussed what we thought the rep's motives were behind those words. We couldn't decide if she identified as fat because according to me she's not fat or thin and I wouldn't understand her passionate insistence on voluptuous over fat. My assumption after dealing with these women during the time we were at the event was that she was trying to appeal to her market and thought we were saying fat from a self loathing place and she was making us feel better. Let's be clear that the women at this event, including myself and Margitte would never ever be confused for what the general public considers chubby versus the ugly word obese. We are all clearly fat and there's absolutely no point in fucking calling it something like fluffy. Ugh whatthefuckever.

At any rate I gallantly abandoned Margitte with the rep because I just couldn't be polite any longer and someone had to stay.

Savvy Fatty showed up and without her Margitte and I might have been lost in the vacuous energy that was that event. She's every bit as confident, vibrant and stunning as one would imagine and it was an absolute breath of fresh air to have another woman there that felt unapologetic about her body and wanted nothing more than a fire engine red jacket with rhinestone details to decorate and honour her fat. (Which she bought at my childish insistence but if you had seen it you would have done the same)

We eventually found a way to leave gracefully and graciously like proper ladies but once we got in my car, we looked as if we'd been hit by a truck.

That small chunk of time left me drained and just defeated. I was so looking forward to engaging in body positive conversations, discussing fatshion and everything else I've gotten so accustomed to in my little internet world.

There's never a moment when Margitte and I hang out that we're not completely aware of our surroundings and how it parlays back to Fat Acceptance and Body Diversity. Its how we met and its an issue that holds such great importance in both of our lives. I could sit all day and talk about fat with her. We went bra shopping for my superhero tits and engaged several different customers in fat dialogue. We're obnoxiously fighting the good fight everywhere we go. I adore it.

We parted ways eventually but quickly got online to chat about this monstrosity of a webpage that was this photographer's site. I literally shouted aloud to no one for about 20 minutes. I couldn't type in the Gchat box fast enough to Margitte about how enraged and yet incredibly depressed I was over these models. First and least important to me... it is in no way, shape or form a pinup site. Don't you dare call something pinup and try to appeal to my vintage taste when you clearly have no intention of dressing these women in anything but the G-string they came to your house wearing. Its offensive to my vintage snob sensibilities.

More importantly when you're selling your product, tell the truth and tell the whole truth so help you whatever deity or ideas you subscribe to. If you're taking pictures of women in the tiniest of undies, charging a membership fee and allowing these women to collect gifts for their nude photos....JUST CALL IT PORN. If you feel dirty and shameful about that word perhaps you should reevaluate your career and life goals. I think that's fair.

I have absolutely nothing against sex work in any form AS LONG AS the participant is confident and at peace with their decisions. In this society you simply must have a certain frame of mind to participate in putting a price on your body. I've often thought about posing nude for pay because well, I love to be nude and to pose and if that all ends in monetary gain, GREAT. I've come to know and befriend many a sex worker in my short time on Earth and I've seen the whole spectrum of acceptance. There's absolutely nothing more heartbreaking than a sex worker who went into that line of work because they felt there was no other option.

At this point I want desperately to link you all to the three sites this photographer runs and give you a chance to make your own conjectures....but I feel like a horrible toad. I met this woman and she was incredibly polite and I feel like a total dick linking you to a website I essentially want you to judge critically, already knowing I've reached a negative conclusion. My issue isn't with the main site Big Hot Bombshells . Its like any other pay site I've visited (but only do the tours because I don't pay for anything) because you all know I enjoy the pornography once and a while. I DEFINITELY turned my nose up at first glance because for one the majority of the models seem incredibly disinterested and even uncomfortable. That makes me me feel dirty and not at all turned on. I was incredibly judgy of their mismatched and ill-fitting chonies but I realize that's mean behaviour but I did end up paying for a 3 day trial membership and inside its a completely different story. The models are all of a sudden smiling and in pretty panties and lingerie!! Really this boils down to poor marketing above anything else.

I want all women to feel confident in their bodies and sexuality. I don't think there should be a size limit on these essentials. I DID find an issue with the model bios. They have their physical stats which, whatever I guess, because a lot of pay sites of all sizes do give the model's measurements. I think in my wanting to protect the FA movement and fat women was initially bummed by that because it seemed somehow tainted to me coming from a bigger woman. Let me explain, I'm worried about the clientele coming to this site and getting off on these women's bigger proportions. I have respect for fat admirers but I do think focusing so much on someone's body and less on anything else about that person is incredibly damaging. I don't want to be a commodity. At any rate, my knee jerk reactions about all of this has taught me a lot about myself. The other issue I had was with a section on the site that specifies what kinds of gifts each individual model would prefer. I don't know if I was initially upset in a Miss Manners would find issue with telling people to give you things or because every single woman talked about the kind of restaurant gift cards she would like. I think it just perpetuates the "fatty wants to eat the entire world, she's so focused on the diner gift cards she gets to maintain that belly" mentality. Fat women are allowed to eat the same way any woman is, but something in the back of my head found that to be problematic on this site.

Probably because the sister site is Gaining Bombshells. Anything regarding the Feeder/Feedee lifestyle makes me physically ill. I almost wept in front of Margitte when we looked at the site together and then read the article Feeders - Size Acceptance Leeches. Up until looking at these sites, I was really upset with myself for expressing my Size Privilege. I'm fat, but I'm not as big as these models and perhaps I'm speaking out of turn. I felt a little validated in my upset when I realized the atmosphere in which these models presented themselves. I don't support the Gainer lifestyle in any way shape or form and I know NAAFA has dissassociated themselves with it as well. Its a form of abuse and frankly the existence of this subculture is detrimental to the Fat Acceptance Movement. I don't like to judge people's fetishes because like whatever gets your rocks off, UNLESS it harms yourself or others. BSDM is pain but all partners involved establish boundaries, safe words, etc and anything more than that is violence. Gaining is emotional abuse of changing your body drastically to please your partner impacted with the long term affects of that kind of weight gain at that speed. Its up to the Feeder what the Feedee eats and how much weight they gain. I guess I see it as a science experiment for the Feeder challenging the Feedee's body's limits.  I did find a CHILD on Youtube involved in the Gaining lifestyle who takes comments from viewers on how to gain more, what the child's goals should be for their weight and encouragement. It harkened back to websites I found on a friend's computer whn she was deep into her Anorexia. I just can't. I don't even know what to say on this really because I'm still in such a state of shellshock. I'm hoping Margitte talks about this in her post because I just can't.

Again just to be perfectly clear...there is beauty in ALL bodies. I've seen and enjoyed nudes of women of absolutely every size. My issue is with the squishing of the bellies, picking the bellies up and slapping them down on a table, a 5 minute video labelled Paulee Bombshell Attempting To Climb Stairs and photosets of women eating themselves sick and making unhappy faces in them to let you know they're trying to eat more than they want to or are able to consume. Its making a mockery of yourself and it sickens me.

*Note: My dear friend Rachel did tried to help me understand how it parallels BSDM and the master/slave relationships. I am genuinely trying to be more understanding of people's sexuality and their lifestyles.
My bottom line is this: I want to live in the present. I advocate loving your body just the way it is at this present moment. I don't want to actively seek out a thinner or bigger body, I just want to love the body I have right now and get the respect I deserve. I want people to see me for who I am and not judge me by the girth in my waistline or shape of my ankles, but just truly see me for a human being above all else.

I think this post had more guidance before I went down the rabbitt hole of researching BBW specialty outings, porn and Gainer subsets....now I'm just....really trying to understand how this all fits into Fat Acceptance and my life??

I just feel crosseyed right now and need guidance and understanding in the worst way.  I would love some feedback.

Also please take a moment to read Margitte's post as well, because she's lovely and a total genius.

Let's Talk About Pubes

2010-05-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

I honestly think my downstairs hairdo has changed more times than Cher's upstairs hairdo.

Seriously. I've done naturale, bare, heart shaped box (get it??), closely trimmed, just the sides, a Charger's bolt, a faux hawk, landing strip, dyed.... you name it, my vagina's seen it. (Minus Vajazzles because I do have a bottom line)

Pubes are confusing, pesky and leave a woman so conflicted.

At first I went through all the shaving, waxing, pruning and plucking out of guilt. I'm a hairy broad by genetics and as a budding woman I was told that not only would my future lovers be horrified and disgusted if I kept things as is, anyone else who saw me naked (women in gym changing, doctors, innocent bystanders, etc) would be equally turned off. I was PETRIFIED. I started at soon as the hairs popped up; stealing a razor from my Mom and going about it all the wrong way. I was shaving in a million different directions, using bar soap or just water....OH G-D THE RAZOR BURN.

The only positive was that I had equally hairy girlfriends. However, we were the blind leading the blind. We were too embarassed to discuss this with our mothers as it would prove we were under the notion at SOME point, SOMEONE was going to see our vaginas. We couldn't talk to our sisters because at that age you live a fantasy life full of lies. To anyone who asked, you already knew what to do because you were blessed with empirical knowledge and you didn't need them for one damned thing!!!

The worst part of this is that it hasn't gotten much easier as far as talking in honesty and reducing shame, like vaginas aren't guilt ridden enough on their own. Besides worrying about your vagina's lips, smell and coloring, magazines still give you at least one article a month on how to tame this wild unwanted beast that is pubic hair. If you're wild enough to keep some pubes (you bohemian you) you should probably shape it into something fun and distracting so your mate forgets what a cavewoman you are....try a heart or his name or the Eiffel Tower!! We've made liking pubic hair a fetish!!! (Not so secretly I'm hoping I somehow come up on the Google search for the fetishists and they start following my blog so I look mad popular)

I wish I could say I was so enlightened that I did what felt best for ME. I can't though. I mean, not all the time anyways. When I'm not planning on having sex (which has been happening way too long for my liking and my vibrator doesn't care what I do), I keep it closely trimmed because that is what feels good for me. I don't have to worry about ingrown hairs or the cold chill against my bare unprotected hood and I can just let things go as planned. I do trim it because like I've already addressed, I could raise hair for Locks of Love if they took that sort of thing and that's a nuisance to have as my dear friends call it, Tom Selleck, in your pants.

conveniently placed FUR rug

So when I decided last weekend on a whim to drive to my Crush's city to see him and get it on (a bunch and it was sublime), I was a little nervous and upset that I wouldn't have the time and resources to get everything in order down there. I was neatly trimmed, but I never know how people feel about pubes until its too late. If I had a penny for every time a lover has said they liked whatever I wasn't sporting at the time...well I'd probably only have like 5 pennies, but STILL. What the fuck am I supposed to do then??? One guy saw my bare clam and said, "Aww, I hate when its all naked like that". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT?! Just be happy you get to be NEAR it Pal!!! The good news is that Crush seemed to be pleased with whatever was happening...PHEW

I mean its not as if men spend even 1/100th of the time thinking about their ball hair as we do about any of our hair. I mean, they trim it MAYBE, but its not as if they're mulling over where to find a good waxer that has a strong, firm, yet gentle hand.

I did tweet earlier asking women to tell me how they groom their mon pubis. Its been about two hours and I've gotten 4 responses sent in a DM (Direct Message for those of you not on Twitter). Sooo out of my 200+ followers, only 4 women responded and they did it so no one else could see. I don't actually know what I was going to do with the information once I got it to be really honest. For those of you that told me, I think it was all in vain :)

I guess I just was curious where I fell into place...still obviously a little worried about being "normal". Huh

Hitler, Weed and an Entire Tray of Lasagna

2010-04-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

The Universe has a funny little sense of humour. I mean, Hitler's birthday is on 4/20 for crying out loud. The absolute LAST thing I want to think about when I'm blazed out of my gourd is mass genocide. I'm so kooky that way :)

And yet, there I was yesterday so far into my head I let my lasagna cook for about an hour longer than it should....

Let me give you the foundation... I recently got back into medicinal marijuana use as an effort to keep my shit together and function like a half normal human being. I come from a loooong line of pill pushers and self medicators, so this sort of need isn't foreign to me. Being impervious to conventional therapy and a regular stubborn bitch, I have to exhaust alternative options to putting my mind at ease. For me, these remedies are laughter, sex, booze, bubble baths and Afghani Kush. Preferrably all at once :)

As you may have noticed (if you've cared enough to read any previous posts), I've been in a sort of funk lately. I could easily blame Mercury constantly going into retrograde and ruining EVERYTHING, but that might make me sound undone ;) At any rate, I've felt out of my body and uprooted. I needed to find something to weigh me down and allow me some sort of clarity and release.

In fact, I'm lighting up as we speak :) (TWO meanings...I'm lighting up in the sense that I'm putting fire to my bong and ALSO that the effects give my spirit a lift!!! LOOK AT THAT!)

When I'm high my inside voice(s) are reduced to a calm Morgan Freemen-esque tone as opposed to its highly wound Fran Drescher arch nemesis. In this state of enlightment, I can review the stresses of the day with a cool, calm, collected space. More importantly, my thoughts become singular and omniscient....whatever I'm thinking, I'm thinking with every fiber of my being and with the conviction that can't be matched.

The problem is sometimes these highdeas (pronounced like ideas with a hard candy in your mouth a little bit) of mine end up being, "Hey Jessica, lets go eat an entire tray of lasagna!!!" or " Jessica, what do think about spending the rest of your night writing an email to your childhood crush and then call your best friend to discuss edits???" and lastly my favorite..."What would you give Hitler for his birthday if he was still alive today??"

So maybe my deep questions about life aren't blowing YOUR mind right now, but WOOOAAAHHHHH did they rock my world last night!!!!!

As I sat there dragging the fork along the empty casserole dish that once held homemade lasagna (I'm SO talented), I navigated through my options.

A bullet right between those Anti Semitic eyes!!!!!!

Well that's an expected answer from a Jew girl high off her ass. You'd KILL him. He, the mastermind behind the attempt to extinct my people, would get a taste of his own medicine!!!! I could feel my heart racing thinking over the thrill I would have felt going to Hitler's 121st birthday party, handing him a sweet little box with a big satin bow holding it together and the joy I'd feel when he untied that darling little bow to get a fatal shot to the head. A monster wiped from this Earth.

I bring my "water pipe" to my mouth and hook my wrist to get the lighter to the bowl....big inhale and clumsy cough release.......

WELL YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN HITLER NOW AREN'T YOU JESSICA???

(In this post, I give you all way too much evidence that I hear more than one inner voice)

I can't kill Hitler...an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind Jessica Anne'

Soooo...you get Hitler what for his birthday then???

"Compassion I whisper through a Fire Marshall Bill smile (I have cotton mouth by now and my lips are starting to impede on my speech.

WHAT?!?!? Who invited the Miss America hopeful to the Blaze and Daze Party?!?! Sure, it'd be fucking peachy to give Adolf Hitler, Hate and Ugliness Embodied, compassion as a birthday present, but I can only imagine he'd exchange it for store credit.

Yup