What happens when you don't ever feel home? What if you always feel your roots floating around you, never really catching on anything, never finding their way into the soil?
Maybe you'll tell me I'm at that age where you go to your childhood home and realize its not yours anymore and that I'm in the time of my life where I must create my own home.
But what if you never even felt home in your childhood home? What if you live so far into your thoughts that your idea of home is so fantastical you don't even know where to begin in creating something like it in real life?
What about that?
I mean as a child I was surrounded by peers who knew exactly what their future should look like all the way down to the comforter on their marriage bed. I had maybe 40 different scenarios with 40 different people in 40 different locations. I looked different in every possibility but interestingly enough was always a different version of fat :) My future dream sequences ranged from the strikingly plain to the outlandish.
They still do.
I want to live in the English countryside making my own bread and snuggling up to my sheepherding lover. I want be a bellydancing Flower Child who smells like patchoulli and curry. Maybe a life in the Redwoods listening to the majesty of the forrest. A travel photographer. A mermaid drag queen. A filthy stinking rich debutante. Just about anything but a gal who works a 9-5 to barely scrape by.
One thing that always stood out was the lack of the career woman who carefully balances family, work and tupperware parties fantasy. I've never been interested in that lifestyle. I've never been interested in the idea of climbing the corporate ladder. Don't get me wrong I'd love to be the boss of someone but I can't imagine being interested in anything long enough to make it my entire life. I don't like the way I look in suits and I don't care for company picnics.
The complexity of my spirit draws folks in but my ever changing moods keeps them at arm's length. It feels selfish to want someone to run by my side as I chase my flavor of the month....but that's exactly what I want.
…I feel deflated. The idea of going into my “regular” job tomorrow makes me feel like a goldfish in a tied up plastic bag. I’m not dying, I can swim and breathe fine, but its not where I should be and I don’t know where I’m going.
Its time for me to leave and start a new story.
(I don't pay this place enough attention, if you're curious as to where I've run off to check my Tumblr )
It's funny because, in my search for employment, I've been bombarded with the tired must-be-a-go-getter, a self-starter-who-is-willing-to-bend-over-backwards-for-a-job-you'll-never-love-but-must-pretend-to-value-with-your-entire-life bullshit. I have an idea of what I'd like to do with my life, of what I'd love to do with my life, but it's just so difficult to get there. I love you. When you move to here we'll move mountains together ;)
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I really believe that you do what's right for you now, for as long as it's right for you. Listen to your old Auntie Kath, who only settled into something that she really digs at 35, and is happy tootling along for now, but I know it won't be forever. Eventually I'll get restless, I'll want to do something else. When that time comes, I'll ask myself what I want to do here and now, and go do it (or at least point myself in the general direction of it!)
ReplyDeleteDon't stress too much about mapping your whole life out in front of you. That's a bloody tool of oppression I say!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteA gal after my own wanderlust ever-dreaming heart! How can people expect to stay on one solid path their entire lives? If they gave it a moments reflection they'd realize that's only a sign that they're not growing, melding, changing, and being exposed to the world around them. They're not living. They're existing.
ReplyDeleteIf your eyes and heart are open to all the creative inspiration we're surrounded with every single day, you have no choice but to grow, passions and goals will naturally change along the way.
I'm whittling down my list, one oddball adventure at a time. To me, that's the only healthy and fulfilling way to live. Though, this is coming from someone who has avidly dodged the 9-5 path, and literally never knows what's coming the next day. Not saying it doesn't have it's "oh shit" moments, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. La Vie Boheme!
It was almost as if you were writing about my "fantastical" childhood (and adulthood) dream personas.
ReplyDeleteFor a short time (although it felt eternal) I indulged in the world of the regular working Ms. Joe. NOT MY IDEA OF WHOM I EVER WANTED TO BE. Desperately searching for work after two unsuccessful years I landed a job as a receptionist. I played the role of the polite professional peon, with my secretarial "Yes Sir" "OK, Ma'am" crud that felt bitter on my tongue and stripped away the shiny varnish of my spirit.
Almost immediately after I started this job that I started to search for another. A year and a half later I am rid of that nightmare and this one particular individual who made it so hellish she must of fornicated on a regular basis with Lucifer himself in order to gain the corporate power in which to torment her whimsically selected scapegoats.
It was quite the experience to be in this position. Yes,I am a nice person but I prefer not to have to smile when I feel like screaming obscenities, or sitting cross-legged at a desk instead of dancing naked, or answering a phone with the same repetitive humdrum greeting as opposed to stopping everything I am doing so I can write down newly inspired lyrical or visual ideas. I don't ever want to be that peon persona again unless of course I am portraying her in some theatrical performance on stage or in film.
Now I am working a part time job that allows me on a constant basis to inspire others and allow them to feel validated and loved. THIS IS SOMEONE I ALWAYS PREFER TO BE!!!!
I love your blog Jessica. I just came across it tonight and instantly knew it would be a favorite of mine. You are so beautiful a person. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart and soul.