Feeders, Gainers, BBW Community & Their Place in FA

I'd hate to have to give any kind of warning or apology up front because seriously this is a blog of my thoughts and I own those thoughts for better and for worse...but I have a lot of anxiety about this post.  I want nothing less than to alienate a part of what I deem to be my community.  I am in no way an expert on Fat Acceptance but its a cause that's of obvious importance to my life. 


I come to you to open up a dialogue and ideally to make me aware of things I may be missing. 


Also if you're visiting this blog because I gave you a card over the weekend, specifically at an event, I don't know that you want to read this or ever see me again. SAWRYYYY because you women were really inviting and polite to me even though I was constantly attacking your beliefs. Honestly I feel dickish right now, but I'm really upset by the experience but I hope you won't stone me the next time we cross paths.


Also if you've been reading for a while, this is fucking War and Peace compared to the usual post.  I wrote SO MUCH.


Let's just get to it shall we??


There's a plus sized thrift store in San Diego, called Great Curves.  I do feel its necessary to say that I frequent it as much as my pocketbook allows and I never leave emptyhanded. Its a hidden gem.  The last time I was there a friendly staff member approached me to let me know about an event they were having the next weekend where a plus size pinup photographer would be present as well as information on a "BBW Bash". The staff member was emphatic on the photographer being interested in women who had "my look", that she had modelled for the photographer (not specifying that it was a website) and that she had a "really good time with all the girls".  I was shopping with a dear friend, Margitte,who I met through Fatshionista's Livejournal community. She also happens to be doing her grad work in Fat Studies right now and you most likely know her by riotsnotdiets .   We both were super polite and enthusiastic because well that's sweet to be invited to things and be told you're pretty enough to model, let's get real.  The second she uttered the phrase BBW though, both Margitte and I inhaled sharply. 


I HATE that phrase.  HATE IT.


I would never hate being called a beautiful woman.  I LIVE for it in fact :) Big and beautiful? Okay I mean, thanks....but like why? Why can't I just be a beautiful person? BBW??? That phrase in particular is just GROSS to me....like invokes a physical reaction within me when I hear it. I think its marginalizing and makes a fetish out of my body, leaving me without a spirit or any kind of personality because you're just concerned with my belly and big arms anyways. I also think what's intended as a compliment has a really negative connotation most of the time. 


BUT Margitte and I were genuinely excited about a local event that we predetermined to be a fat accepting, body positive chance for us to meet people.  I also saw it as another chance for me to shop :)


So I picked up the impeccably dressed Margitte in my poorly ventilated lemon of a car, we had a proper brunch and then headed to the event.  We were hopeful and had a fire in our spirit.


Upon entering the store, we were met with a woman who had set up a table to advertise a BBW night club in town that's apparently existed for years.  I had literally just told a girl I recently met that there were no BBW clubs in San Diego.  You know why? Well first reason is that I have a lovely habit of just assuming I know everything.  Second is that I have never looked up local BBW dance clubs because they're of little to no interest to me.  When I think of specialty dance clubs, I think of my favorite 80s music gay club because there's very little in my life that I do that I consider my fat before I do them.  Initially I felt really opposed and weird about fat dance clubs.  I don't like marginalizing myself when there are others out there already trying to do it for me against my will.  I don't want to Google places that go out of there way to give me a night for my kind...I don't like that.  I don't want to segregate myself.  That's a little hypocritical of me though.  I have hosted a couple fat meetups and beach days.  Soooo that's a double standard.  At this point I really feel like the wording is again what's upsetting me.  Have a dance club, for every body and advertise your size accepting, body positive atmosphere.  That would make me elated.  I would love a place for people to dance of all sizes and shapes to feel beautiful. 


Let me just say I see and understand the need for specialized events and outings.  I guess I just believe that if we keep in this frame of mind we'll never be able to exist in society as we are without feeling like we need to hurry back to this artificial life we've made for ourselves.  That might be totally insensitive and I'd hope you'd tell me so. 


Eventually we bumped into the photographer we were invited to meet in the first place.  First words out of her mouth when I gave her my card were, "How long have you been in the community?"


I guess it was the delivery and vague meaning that confused me so much.  I, of course, thought she meant how long I had been involved with Fat Acceptance and told her a few years maybe more. 

Sidenote: Here at this event FA meant Fat Admirer not Fat Acceptance which I also had qualms with.

She met me with a blank stare. 


I then awkwardly stumbled around about how I'd been fat my whole life so I've never been out of the community.  She seemed equally confused about that as well. 


So then she asked me about my blog.  I told her a multitude of things but when I said body positivity for all sizes she seemed to sort of raise her eyebrows.  Of course I really wowed them when I mentioned pubes :)  


Anyways she started to sell her website to me, saying that there wasn't anything out there that she wanted to see so she had to do it herself.  She did pinup photography for the bigger gal and I could totally model and get a percentage of the profits; clearly meaning porn.  Which is FINE with me as we should all know at this point in our relationship.  She wanted to say more but insisted I should just check out the site for myself and contact her if I was interested.  JUST SAY  PORN. So I asked her if it was porn.  She insisted some girls take their tops off but that's only if you want to blah blah blah.  I mean whatever your definition of tasteful is, nudity for sale is porn and that's just the end of that discussion.  Erotic art or tasteful nudes...tomato tomahto if you ask me and the difference between art and porn is the way you get paid.  So then after all that awkwardness about her not wanting to call a porn site a porn site, she told me there were sex toys in the back for sale.


Yeah, I KNOW.


BUT you know I'm always interested in shit like that so Margitte and I made a beeline for the dildos like any respectable girl would. 


There was a representative for what actually turned out to be "romance enhancers" not sex toys.  BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE.  Romance enhancers are those scented body lotion, powder, shit to make your pussy not really smell like a pussy at all stuffs.  Its feathers and candles and a suction cupped ledge for your shower to get busy while you wash that sticky scented lotion off your body.  FIRST OF ALL if you rent like I do there's no way you're fucking in the shower gracefully, step ledge or not, because there's no space in there for someone else and anyways that's how you get a UTI folks.  ANYWAYS, the representative overheard Margitte and I bitching about how this obviously was not going to be our cup of tea and picking apart a flyer for the photographer that mentioned "no skinny jeans" and she reprimanded us for saying fat. 


"Voluptuous"


"No its just fat...no euphemisms...fat's just a descriptor word..like tall."


"Curvy's better"


"Fat's what it is though.  I'm not curvy...I'm fat.  There's no word like that for thin...you're just thin"


Blank Stare


Margitte and I later discussed what we thought the rep's motives were behind those words.  We couldn't decide if she identified as fat because according to me she's not fat or thin and I wouldn't understand her passionate insistence on voluptuous over fat.  My assumption after dealing with these women during the time we were at the event was that she was trying to appeal to her market and thought we were saying fat from a self loathing place and she was making us feel better. Let's be clear that the women at this event, including myself and Margitte would never ever be confused for what the general public considers chubby versus the ugly word obese.  We are all clearly fat and there's absolutely no point in fucking calling it something like fluffy.  Ugh whatthefuckever.


At any rate I gallantly abandoned Margitte with the rep because I just couldn't be polite any longer and someone had to stay.


Savvy Fatty showed up and without her Margitte and I might have been lost in the vacuous energy that was that event.  She's every bit as confident, vibrant and stunning as one would imagine and it was an absolute breath of fresh air to have another woman there that felt unapologetic about her body and wanted nothing more than a fire engine red jacket with rhinestone details to decorate and honour her fat. (Which she bought at my childish insistence but if you had seen it you would have done the same)


We eventually found a way to leave gracefully and graciously like proper ladies but once we got in my car, we looked as if we'd been hit by a truck.


That small chunk of time left me drained and just defeated.  I was so looking forward to engaging in body positive conversations, discussing fatshion and everything else I've gotten so accustomed to in my little internet world.


There's never a moment when Margitte and I hang out that we're not completely aware of our surroundings and how it parlays back to Fat Acceptance and Body Diversity.  Its how we met and its an issue that holds such great importance in both of our lives.  I could sit all day and talk about fat with her.  We went bra shopping for my superhero tits and engaged several different customers in fat dialogue.  We're obnoxiously fighting the good fight everywhere we go.  I adore it.


We parted ways eventually but quickly got online to chat about this monstrosity of a webpage that was this photographer's site.  I literally shouted aloud to no one for about 20 minutes.  I couldn't type in the Gchat box fast enough to Margitte about how enraged and yet incredibly depressed I was over these models.  First and least important to me... it is in no way, shape or form a pinup site.  Don't you dare call something pinup and try to appeal to my vintage taste when you clearly have no intention of dressing these women in anything but the G-string they came to your house wearing.  Its offensive to my vintage snob sensibilities. 


More importantly when you're selling your product, tell the truth and tell the whole truth so help you whatever deity or ideas you subscribe to.  If you're taking pictures of women in the tiniest of undies, charging a membership fee and allowing these women to collect gifts for their nude photos....JUST CALL IT PORN.  If you feel dirty and shameful about that word perhaps you should reevaluate your career and life goals.  I think that's fair. 


I have absolutely nothing against sex work in any form AS LONG AS the participant is confident and at peace with their decisions.  In this society you simply must have a certain frame of mind to participate in  putting a price on your body.  I've often thought about posing nude for pay because well, I love to be nude and to pose and if that all ends in monetary gain, GREAT.  I've come to know and befriend many a sex worker in my short time on Earth and I've seen the whole spectrum of acceptance.  There's absolutely nothing more heartbreaking than a sex worker who went into that line of work because they felt there was no other option. 


At this point I want desperately to link you all to the three sites this photographer runs and give you a chance to make your own conjectures....but I feel like a horrible toad.  I met this woman and she was incredibly polite and I feel like a total dick linking you to a website I essentially want you to judge critically, already knowing I've reached a negative conclusion.  My issue isn't with the main site Big Hot Bombshells .  Its like any other pay site I've visited (but only do the tours because I don't pay for anything) because you all know I enjoy the pornography once and a while.  I DEFINITELY turned my nose up at first glance because for one the majority of the models seem incredibly disinterested and even uncomfortable.  That makes me me feel dirty and not at all turned on.  I was incredibly judgy of their mismatched and ill-fitting chonies but I realize that's mean behaviour but I did end up paying for a 3 day trial membership and inside its a completely different story.  The models are all of a sudden smiling and in pretty panties and lingerie!! Really this boils down to poor marketing above anything else. 


I want all women to feel confident in their bodies and sexuality.  I don't think there should be a size limit on these essentials.  I DID find an issue with the model bios.  They have their physical stats which, whatever I guess, because a lot of pay sites of all sizes do give the model's measurements.  I think in my wanting to protect the FA movement and fat women was initially bummed by that because it seemed somehow tainted to me coming from a bigger woman.  Let me explain, I'm worried about the clientele coming to this site and getting off on these women's bigger proportions.  I have respect for fat admirers but I do think focusing so much on someone's body and less on anything else about that person is incredibly damaging.  I don't want to be a commodity.  At any rate, my knee jerk reactions about all of this has taught me a lot about myself.  The other issue I had was with a section on the site that specifies what kinds of gifts each individual model would prefer.  I don't know if I was initially upset in a Miss Manners would find issue with telling people to give you things or because every single woman talked about the kind of restaurant gift cards she would like.  I  think it just perpetuates the "fatty wants to eat the entire world, she's so focused on the diner gift cards she gets to maintain that belly" mentality.  Fat women are allowed to eat the same way any woman is, but something in the back of my head found that to be problematic on this site. 


Probably because the sister site is Gaining Bombshells. Anything regarding the Feeder/Feedee lifestyle makes me physically ill.  I almost wept in front of Margitte when we looked at the site together and then read the article Feeders - Size Acceptance Leeches.  Up until looking at these sites, I was really upset with myself for expressing my Size Privilege.  I'm fat, but I'm not as big as these models and perhaps I'm speaking out of turn.  I felt a little validated in my upset when I realized the atmosphere in which these models presented themselves.  I don't support the Gainer lifestyle in any way shape or form and I know NAAFA has dissassociated themselves with it as well.  Its a form of abuse and frankly the existence of this subculture is detrimental to the Fat Acceptance Movement.  I don't like to judge people's fetishes because like whatever gets your rocks off, UNLESS it harms yourself or others.  BSDM is pain but all partners involved establish boundaries, safe words, etc and anything more than that is violence.  Gaining is emotional abuse of changing your body drastically to please your partner impacted with the long term affects of that kind of weight gain at that speed.  Its up to the Feeder what the Feedee eats and how much weight they gain.  I guess I see it as a science experiment for the Feeder challenging the Feedee's body's limits.  I did find a CHILD on Youtube involved in the Gaining lifestyle who takes comments from viewers on how to gain more, what the child's goals should be for their weight and encouragement. It harkened back to websites I found on a friend's computer whn she was deep into her Anorexia.  I just can't.  I don't even know what to say on this really because I'm still in such a state of shellshock.  I'm hoping Margitte talks about this in her post because I just can't.

Again just to be perfectly clear...there is beauty in ALL bodies. I've seen and enjoyed nudes of women of absolutely every size.  My issue is with the squishing of the bellies, picking the bellies up and slapping them down on a table, a 5 minute video labelled Paulee Bombshell Attempting To Climb Stairs and photosets of women eating themselves sick and making unhappy faces in them to let you know they're trying to eat more than they want to or are able to consume.  Its making a mockery of yourself and it sickens me.

*Note: My dear friend Rachel did tried to help me understand how it parallels BSDM and the master/slave relationships. I am genuinely trying to be more understanding of people's sexuality and their lifestyles.
 My bottom line is this:  I want to live in the present. I advocate loving your body just the way it is at this present moment.  I don't want to actively seek out a thinner or bigger body, I just want to love the body I have right now and get the respect I deserve. I want people to see me for who I am and not judge me by the girth in my waistline or shape of my ankles, but just truly see me for a human being above all else.


 I think this post had more guidance before I went down the rabbitt hole of researching BBW specialty outings, porn and Gainer subsets....now I'm just....really trying to understand how this all fits into Fat Acceptance and my life??


I just feel crosseyed right now and need guidance and understanding in the worst way.  I would love some feedback.

Also please take a moment to read Margitte's post as well, because she's lovely and a total genius.